Birth Choice Pregnancy Resource Center
is a 501(c)(3) charitable organization.

Before Choosing Abortion

If you are pregnant and planning an abortion, it's important to evaluate why you are making this decision as well as the consequences to your choice. Below are some of the most common reasons women choose abortion with a response to consider.

How can I tell my parents I'm pregnant?

If you are under 18 and pregnant, you have been thrust into a role that carries adult responsibility. If you are beyond your teens much of what follows will still be valuable in helping you tell those you need to tell. Another human being is depending on you for his or her very life. Neither you nor your parents are ready for this. You know they will be very disappointed in you. They may be angry and upset. They may believe you have tarnished the family reputation. It is important to acknowledge all of these feelings of theirs when you tell them. They will be more understanding of you if you are understanding of them.

Think through several practical matters. What time of day would be best to tell them? What room in the house? Would it be better to tell them someplace away from home? Would you prefer telling them together or separately and have one tell the other? What about writing them a letter and leaving it on the kitchen table or on their bed? Would you want someone else with you such as a girlfriend or a counselor from Birth Choice?

Many families have said that a letter works well. It gives the parents a chance to let the news sink in before they react. Most parents, even though they are upset, do get used to the idea, and they do love their daughters and want to help them through the pregnancy.

If you believe your parents will want you to have an abortion, it is very important for you to know the following:

If you violate your own conscience and take the life of your baby to please your parents, your relationship with them will deteriorate badly, not improve.

No one can force you into having an abortion you don't want. If you have an abortion without telling your parents in hopes of “making the problem go away,” and they find out later, they may be horrified that their daughter went through something so traumatic without their knowledge, they may be hurt that you didn't even give them a chance to love and support you, and they may grieve the loss of their grandchild. Both they and you will suffer deep emotional damage. Even if they never find out, you will feel the weight of this huge secret that separates you from them. You'll find it difficult or impossible to ever be close.

If you have complications after an abortion such as bleeding or pain and need medical attention, you will be forced to tell them after the fact. Then there may be greater anger, hurt and regret than if you had told them you were pregnant in the first place.

You need to be very well informed about the development of your baby, about the negative consequences of abortion and have some plans in place before you tell them. You need to be able to express these facts clearly and with conviction. This will help them respect you and see you as an adult. Practice what you want to say in writing.

Tell them you love them and you appreciate all they've tried to do for you. Express true remorse for having pre-marital sex. Mention ways you know your pregnancy will be difficult for them. Then say you need them now more than ever to support you. Make it clear you have already begun to take responsibility and have researched your options and you have absolutely ruled out abortion for these reasons, then list them. Ask for their input but be firm that abortion is not an option. Share literature from Birth Choice with them.

Here are some sample letters:

Dear Mom,

I've always loved you, and most of the time I've tried to make you proud of me. I've messed up a lot of times in my life, but you've always been there for me. Now I've messed up pretty bad. I dread having to tell you and put you through this. I'm pregnant.

I've spent the last three weeks crying. But I've also taken some responsibility. I've done some reading and calling around to find out about my options. I've learned that at eight weeks, which is how far along I am, my baby's heart is already beating, there are already brain waves and all the organs are present. I could never have an abortion because I know that my baby is a true human being who shouldn't have to die for my mistake. John knows and is trying to be supportive, but he's pretty scared. I called Birth Choice, a pregnancy help center. They can help with insurance, support groups, clothes and other things. There are even homes where I could live if you think that would be better for our family. I might consider adoption. I want to do what is best.

I can't tell you how sorry I am. I feel like such a disappointment and embarrassment to you and the rest of the family. Getting through this will be very hard on you. I need you now more than I ever have. Please help me and the baby.

I love you. Jennifer
 
Dear Mom and Dad,

You've always tried your best to raise me right. You've made sacrifices so I could play sports, take ballet and drama, qualify for scholarships and go to college. Your plans and goals for me are wonderful, but now something has happened that wasn't in our plans. I'm pregnant.

I don't blame you for being angry. You probably think I am so stupid and ungrateful. I was stupid, and I am so, very, very sorry. But I'm not ungrateful. I appreciate so much everything you do for me. You have always been strongly pro-choice. It does seem like abortion would just make this problem go away, and no one would have to know. But I can't have an abortion. Several of my friends did that, and they are messed up and feel so guilty about it. I've read about lifelong physical and emotional damage women can have after abortion. The abortion methods are brutal and painful for the baby. My conscience will not allow me to take my child's life in order to deal with my (our) problems.

I found out I was pregnant at a pregnancy center called Birth Choice. They have lots of help for pregnant girls there. It was really helpful to talk to them, and I'd like you to go there with me. You might not agree with everything, but it will help us make informed decisions. I need you so much. You've always been there for me.

Please be there for me now.

Love, Jamie

You don't understand. They'll kick me out of the house!

If your parents really do kick you out, your pregnancy resource center can help you find another place to stay while you are expecting. Some centers have a registry of families who have volunteered to house pregnant girls as needed. There are also many fully equipped maternity homes with young women staying there who are in your same situation. The maternity home will assist you with prenatal care, parenting education, counseling, and many other needs you may have. Contact our center for a referral to a home near you. <Back to the Top>

My parents are forcing me to have an abortion.

Legally, no one can force you to have an abortion. In fact, forcing a minor to have an abortion is child abuse. If you tell the doctor that someone else is forcing you into this decision, he or she will not perform the abortion. <Back to the Top>

My boyfriend will leave me if I have this baby.

Your boyfriend is just as responsible for the pregnancy as you are. It takes two to make a baby, so his responsibility does not end just because he doesn't want to deal with the situation anymore. If he is going to leave you just because you want to give your unborn child a chance at life, it's questionable whether he loved you at all. He is treating you as no more than an object for his sexual needs, rather than a woman who is rightfully concerned about the effects of abortion on herself and her child. You may be better off without someone like that in your life right now. Either way, he is still legally required to pay child support after the baby is born. <Back to the Top>

I'm so embarrassed! What will everyone think?

If you are unmarried, you may fear that others will judge you for having a child out of wedlock. But there are many single parents today, some divorced and some never married. Years ago this was a real concern, but today the stigma attached to single parenthood is far reduced. In fact, many school districts include publicly funded high schools, especially for pregnant and parenting students. <Back to the Top>

I've got my whole life ahead of me. A baby doesn't fit into my plans.

If you are ever planning on having children, one thing you will come to understand is that there is usually never an ideal time to have a baby. No matter when you decide to have a child there will be trade-offs and sacrifices to make. It's impossible to predict the future. Many couples wait a very long time to start their families, only to find later that their circumstances never became ideal. <Back to the Top>

I'm not ready to be a mother.

It is true that parenthood requires more responsibility than single life, but if you are pregnant you are already a mother. You are being responsible for the child inside of you by the way you treat your body now. The real question is, "How do I treat this child that I have already participated in creating?"<Back to the Top>

What's the big deal? It's not a baby yet.

Although the unborn child does not have legal rights under the law, the fetus is very alive. By the sixth week of pregnancy the heart has started beating. By eight weeks brain waves can be measured. By twelve weeks the child can and does cry, though silently. By sixteen weeks the baby's movements can be felt by the mother. Many women bond with their unborn children long before they are born and feel a great sense of loss after an abortion. More about the development of the unborn child. <Back to the Top>

I don't want to end up poor and on welfare. I need to finish my education.

Having a baby does not have to mean that you will end up as a welfare mother, even if you are poor and single. Although it may be more difficult to continue your studies while you are caring for an infant, many women complete their educations and go on to have fulfilling and exciting careers even while doubling as mothers. Many find that having a child increases one's motivation to succeed. We can help you complete your academic and professional goals while facing an unplanned pregnancy. Our experience has been that a woman's motivation and self-esteem determine her ability to do well, not an unplanned pregnancy. <Back to the Top>

An abortion seems so much easier than pregnancy. I just want to get this over with.

The abortion procedure is quick, but the effects can last a lifetime. Abortion can leave you emotionally impacted for years. In our experience, common post-abortion symptoms include depression, nightmares, guilt, regret, avoidance of babies, and even self-destructive behaviors. The difficulties usually get worse over time and not better. Most dating relationships do not survive an abortion as the experience drives the couple further apart. Some women are physically damaged from the abortion, and a few are even left permanently infertile. In our center we have spoken to women who have had serious complications from what was supposed to be a safe, simple procedure. If this is your first pregnancy, aborting can double your risk of developing breast cancer; multiple abortions can increase your risk of breast cancer three-fold. <Back to the Top>

I don't have any medical insurance.

It's not too late to get coverage for your prenatal care and delivery. Most college students are covered for pregnancy under their university health plans. If you are unemployed, a high-school student, or otherwise have little income, you will most likely qualify for Medi-Cal (California residents). If you make too much money for Medi-Cal, but not enough for private insurance, you may qualify for AIM -- a special state-subsidized plan for low-income women and children. You may even be able to obtain private insurance if you apply early in pregnancy. If you are not a U.S. citizen, there are still some public funds you may be able to access. Please call your local pregnancy resource center to discuss your funding options. <Back to the Top>

I can't afford a baby.

Babies can cost as much as parents are willing to spend. Much of our society focuses on having numerous possessions for ourselves and children, but material things do not create a loving family. After you look back on your life, those things which you value the most will not be the possessions you spent a lot of money on, but rather your children and relationships. It's more important to invest in the new life inside you than all the things you think you and your baby will need.
Having a baby will increase your budget, however, regardless of how thrifty you are. For this reason, most pregnancy resource centers offer maternity clothes, baby clothes, and baby equipment to any woman who needs it at no charge. Programs like WIC help women and their children obtain healthy foods at no cost. Also, you can save a tremendous amount of money by purchasing baby furniture second hand. Relatives are often eager to buy infant clothes and other goods, especially if this is the first baby in the family for a long time. <Back to the Top>

The doctor said that there might be something wrong with the baby.

While most prenatal tests can reasonably predict a problem, they don't usually give insight as to the severity of the problem. The problem may be very minor. Sometimes such tests are wrong and the child is completely healthy. And even if the disorder is severe, the value of a human being is not dependent on the health or attractiveness of that individual. Handicapped children deserve a chance at life just as anyone else. A disabled child is still able to love and be loved, and to make a special contribution to your family. Depending on your outlook, this child can be a blessing to you and others. You will probably need support to continue your pregnancy under such circumstances. Call our center for a referral to organizations made up of parents who have continued pregnancies under similar circumstances.
Nonetheless, if you feel unable to raise a child with special needs, there are adoption agencies which can place such children in loving homes. Call Birth Choice or a pregnancy resource center near you to discuss your situation. <Back to the Top>

I just had a baby. I can't have another one right now.

If you have just recently given birth, it can be a tremendous shock to find that you are pregnant again. But having just been pregnant, you can understand more than anyone just how fantastic it is to have a small child developing and growing within you. You've experienced the miracle of life before; to extinguish this life now is hard to imagine. Two babies close together is a real challenge for even the most experienced mother, but in a few years you will find that the siblings are the best of friends. The children will entertain each other giving you more time later on. Having another baby will be invaluable to the child you have now and will soon be precious to you too. <Back to the Top>

Everyone around me thinks abortion is the best idea.

Although your friends, relatives, and partner may all feel abortion is the best choice, you are the only one who can make the final decision. You are ultimately responsible for your actions and will have to live with the consequences of your choice. An abortion is never easy to forget--please read some of the feedback from Ramah International before taking the advice of anyone else. <Back to the Top>

I wish I could have this baby, but I don't know where to go for help.

If you are facing a crisis pregnancy and are interested in alternatives to abortion help is available. In the United States there are over 3,500 centers that exist solely to assist women in your situation. If you live in Southern California, contact our office at 951-699-9808. You can speak to a counselor who understands your situation and can offer practical solutions to a problem pregnancy. If you're outside of California, visit the Option Line to find a pregnancy help center near you. <Back to the Top>

 

Adapted from M. Terwilliger, "Some Reasons to Decide...," In Pregnancy: Teen Decisions , ed. W. Dudley, Greenhaven Press, Spring 2001. Used with permission.